I help in a community kitchen once a week. Mostly I wash dishes. This week, the intimacy of standing shoulder to shoulder while scrubbing, rinsing, and passing the dishes for sanitation struck me as a wonderful therapeutic means for being human together. While I was ferrying dry bowls and trays of clean cups out of the drying rack to the cabinets, I watched two men having a conversation. “How are you?” The one asked the other. The other person responded hesitantly, “I suppose I’m doing fine.” And again, with the next item as he washed and rinsed and dropped it into the sanitation sink, he revealed another piece of his process. As if the act of cleaning the dishes uncovered his deeper thoughts, dish by dish. The other man listened, his hands busy with pre-washing big woks, pots and bowls. The clatter of the pots and rush of water from the sprayer acted as white noise, deepening their conversation.
I myself have had intimate conversations at the dishwashing station. Is it the act of cleaning, the simplicity of the task, the hands in water or ??, that creates a bond between people? I think of walking shoulder to shoulder on a road or trail with others, and how that can promote deep conversation. Chopping vegetables next to another person is another scenario that comes to mind. In all cases, the bodies face forward, shoulders are near each other, and the task is simple enough that the mind is free to roam.
Hiking up a trail with my grandson, he asks me things he wouldn’t ask if he was playing or rough-housing with his brother. Walking and dishwashing are easy avenues for intimate conversation. As herd creatures, we need to communicate, notice each other’s needs to preserve our tribe/herd. We need to let others in on our thoughts and feelings so we can help, support, and celebrate. Walking and talking is in our DNA. We no longer sit in the village center to sort seeds, weave baskets, or pound corn. Our communication device is our phone, our speech are texts going back and forth. We miss the shoulder to shoulder thing, the physical proximity that promotes intimate expression. By living in our housing complexes, our gated communities, with walls and doors to shut out the noisy world, we’ve gained privacy and lost the intimacy of being part of a tribe.
Each step away from one another for the sake of privacy and safety increases the distrust and anxiety we see floating in our neighborhoods. Children don’t play on the streets any longer, it’s too dangerous. Elders rarely sit on the front porch, as no-one passes by to reach the store. We’re living in lonely bubbles.
My work in the community kitchen isn’t just volunteer work that benefits others. The work benefits me. I get to work shoulder to shoulder. I eat with people from various backgrounds who come for a free meal. For a few hours, we become a tribe - a feeling worth more than a full belly. My group-hikes are another way of being shoulder to shoulder, a way to be a tribe. Afterwards, I go home not only with the satisfied feeling of an exercised body, but also with that psychological full feeling of having touched and been touched by others. Walking, washing dishes or sharing a menial task, it doesn’t matter which you choose to take care of your tribal need and foster a healthier, more harmonious world.
Today I’ll be shoulder to shoulder with my family planting one hundred wild Penstemon starts on my daughter’s property. Soon I will be on the long trail with four other hikers. We’ll be a nomadic tribe for a week, healing body and soul. Even though I live alone, I know how to keep my tribal needs met.
Interesting post and perspective comparing the dishwashing and the hiking. It makes a lot of sense that being shoulder to shoulder gives us a opportunity to share in a different way than face to face at a table, etc.
Great post. Thanks for sharing your experiences/thoughts with us. Have a great week.